10 Years…

Relationships are hard. Marriage is, well, I would be lying if I said that I thought marriage was easy. And maybe it is for some. However, Damian and I – it has not been easy to say the least.  Today we celebrate 10 years married and 14 years together.  The days sometimes feel gruesome, the years endless.  I have been known to be a private person to some and then one who shares too much to others.  My marriage has been one of those things that I have shared with some and not with others.  I don’t feel that you need to share the intimate details of any aspect of your life.  But as someone who wants to be a write… I realize I do my best writing when I am talking about my personal experiences.

I never thought that I wanted to be married.  I never imagined being a , “Mrs.”  It wasn’t until I met Damian that I really started thinking about marriage.  We both grew up in families with parents who were still together and had a marriage that worked and values that we believed in.  We both believed that when you get married there isn’t separate anything.  We don’t split who pays bills, we share our checking accounts, and truly felt that we were coming together as a team.  We weren’t losing our individuality, we were gaining another perspective.  

In all honesty, the days leading up to when Damian and I got married were not easy.  There were fights among our families, among each other- in fact, I think we both questioned whether we were really doing something that we should.  Just 3 days before my wedding, I was confronted by someone who explained to me that it was still okay to back out and we could just hold a big party on our wedding day instead of an actual wedding. So, when I say, things weren’t that great- I am not being dramatic.

We are so completely different  while our differences are sometimes what cause the biggest rifts in our relationship, they are same things that cause the excitement and adventure.. We do agree on some pretty important pieces though- two of them being that we love each other and love our kids and the family that we have built.

Throughout this 10 years, the two of us have shared so much sadness,anger, resentment, and bitterness towards each other.  On only a few of our anniversaries, we were even speaking. Just last year on our 9th anniversary- we hadn’t spoken for over a week… And we live in the same house.

But today, as we woke up on our 10 year wedding  anniversary, I woke up early and looked over at the man next to me.  I got butterflies in my stomach.  This is the man that I chose to marry, the man that I have grown a family with, the man that I come home to every night.  No one promised me roses, perfection, and happiness every day! I put that expectation on myself.  This is the man that has seen me at my worst and still chooses to stand by side.  This is the man that will put my flaws aside and still love me as if I am the most amazing woman.  And some of the flaws that he has chosen to push aside are pretty damn serious and may even being considered to deal breakers to some. 

I have learned throughout the years that sharing every fight and argument with everyone is not obviously the best idea.  Each time there is a big fight and I have shared or leaned on certain people. When they would take my side and then things would sort of work themselves out… Those people weren’t/ aren’t always so easy to forgive or better yet forget. And then Damian becomes the wrong person, the bad person, the person to blame.  And take it from someone who knows, it gets harder to share the happy, positive times to those people who are still judging from the last time.   Those closest to me have been there during some of these hard moments. Damian and I have both reached out to close friends and family for advice before. We have also both been told that we should walk away and give up. We have both tried to give up and walk away. Way easier said than done, I will tell you. And for those walk away advice givers, I by no means think that they were wrong… Or right. Damian and I just always knew that the choice had to come from us. We had to be the ones to make the ultimate decision. Obviously, since we are celebrating 10 years of marriage- choosing to stay has always won out.

I think it was the right choice. I still expect sadness, anger, bitterness, arguments at times. But now I look forward to creating happiness, laughter, positive memories, a stronger bond, everlasting friendship even more so than ever.

We have contributed to the rough times in our marriage together.  It isn’t right for me to talk about any wrong that I feel Damian has ever done.  Not here anyway. But since it is my post, I can talk about my wrong doings as much as I want. I will tell you this, I am not an easy person to deal with, let alone actually live with. I am the kind of person that treateveryone outside of my home with kindness and then subject my family to all of the built anger from the day.I am working on it, but it can cause a lot of problems in my closest relationships.  My husband gets the brunt of my anger most times. He is my safe zone, but I know it can take a toll on him. He tries to let it go, but sometimes it really does become too much for him. I expect a lot and can be super selfish when it comes to my hubby. I don’t always give what I expect to receive and that is quite a stressor as well. I am learning though’ that through honesty and communication- we can make it through.

This marriage is ours and ours alone.  I need to make it a priority and put forth the work and love to make it work.  

It has been a twisty, bumpy, and scary road with stretches of sunshine and perfect weather over the course of the years and I look forward to paving the road ahead and increases those stretches to longer and longer.  Ten years is only the beginning… The best is yet to come!